BazBudget

INTRODUCTION

So, here we are.

A remarkable turn of events. That huge political event seems so long ago now. Labour’s grip on government loosened pretty much after Starmer and Reeves were ousted.

Of course, I don’t need to tell you of the popular public figure that swept the nation in the polls. Documentaries, books and even movies have now been written about it.

They were such a political genius that an invitation to Ben Stokes & Brendon McCullum
as the UK’s first ever Joint Chancellors of the Exchequer followed quite swiftly.

We all know the story.

After capitulation all those years ago in the 2025 Perth Ashes Test, England had won the toss at Brisbane and elected to bat again. Zak Crawley, on a pair, promptly despatched Mitchell Starc for six consecutive sixes in the first over of the game.

The tone was set. England won the series 4-1. The two years that followed, England were unbeatable, attack after attack were flogged during the most successful period of Bazball.

As such, the political appointment, by this time, did not seem as leftfield as it might have done only in 2025.

Here, we see some fragments of footage of Stokes and McCullum considering their first BazBudget…

IN THE “THE BAZ BUNKER” (FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE TREASURY)

The Treasury’s briefing room has been reborn.

Flipcharts everywhere. Baseball mitts are strewn liberally around the place. Dog thrower in the centre of a table placed in the middle of the room.

On the wall, are a number of motivational slogans, written in thick marker:

“GDP = Go Deep, Positive.”

“Say no to fiscal drag and filthy drag-downs”

Stokes flips through a 300-page Treasury briefing.

Stokes:
“Baz… this is nonsense. Too many numbers. Too many words. Too many footnotes. Too many bureaucratic straight bats.”

McCullum:
“Mate, when have we ever needed this much paper to win?

He flings the document behind him.
A civil servant in the corner gasps.

Stokes:
“Rule one of BazBudget: If it’s complicated, it’s slowing us down.”

McCullum nods:
“Trust the process.”

…

FLAT TAX: “SWINGING FROM BALL ONE

Stokes:
“This whole tax banding nonsense? Brackets? Allowances? Reliefs? Cliff-edges? Taper? Fiscal drag?

It’s chaos. It’s like sending Zak Crawley out to open and asking him to assess the conditions.”

McCullum erupts:
“Assess? Mate, we don’t let Zak assess anything. We send him out swinging from ball one.”

Stokes:
“Exactly. If it’s in the slot, it’s gotta go. We’ve gotta cut the noise in the economy. Clarity of thinking. Give people a clean swing.”

McCullum:
“One rate. One number. One mindset.”

Stokes: “Here’s a radical idea. First £20,000 of income = 0% tax. Because you can’t build an innings if you lose wickets early. And we should know.”

McCullum:
“It’ll shock them. But in a good way. Like starting a test with a Dil-scoop over the keeper.”

Stokes slaps the board:
“Above that. Flat tax.17%. Everyone. Everything.”

Civil servant (nervously): “But we haven’t run any models! Is the rate high enough? Will it balance the books?

McCullum nods:
“It’s not about whether the books balance, mate. It’s about positive intent.”

Stokes (Sniggering): “This guy’s gotta lot to learn.”

…

CAPITAL GAINS – NURDLIN’ DAYS ARE OVER…

Stokes:
“Baz… what if CGT was 0% unless it’s on something dull… like gilts?”

Baz:
“Exactly. If you’re taking risks and clearing the economic ropes, we back you. If you’re nurdling singles off your hip into low-yield assets… then you’ve gotta pay up.”

Stokes: “Them nurdlin’ days are over, pal.”

McCullum:
“0% CGT for genuine risk-taking.”

Stokes:
“40% for passive speculation.”

…

A FORMER CHANCELLOR CALLS

Stokes’ phone buzzes.

Stokes:
“It’s Ken Clarke.”

McCullum:
“What does Big Ken want?

Stokes answers on speaker.

Ken Clarke (booming):
“Ben, Brendon…heard you’re shaking things up chaps. Thought I’d offer some old-school advice…”

McCullum cuts him off:
“Ken, with all respect – that’s like asking Geoff Boycott how to bat in the modern era.”

Stokes (mutters to himself):
“Has-beens.”

He hangs up.

McCullum:
“Right. Back to the flat tax.”

…

SDLT: “GET IT IN THE BIN.”

Stokes pacing about, seemingly fuming.

Stokes:
“Why are we taxing people for moving house? We want labour mobility. We need fluidity. And SDLT whacks them for relocating?”

McCullum:
“It’s like penalising someone for rotating the strike.”

Stokes:
“It’s defensive cricket. And we don’t do defensive cricket.”

He writes on the board:

“SDLT — OUT.”

…

LAND VALUE TAX: “THE PITCH REPORT”

McCullum:
“We want to reward people who actually do things. Build things. Innovate.”

Stokes:
“But if you’re sitting on land… like Jimmy Anderson as a nightwatchman,  trying to survive until the close of play… we should tax ’em.”

McCullum: “Yeah, we need less nightwatchmen and more economic ‘night-hawks’

Stokes – “I think Land Value Tax could be our first ‘night-hawk, Brendon”.

Baz: “Alright. Get it on the board.”

…

CORPORATION TAX: “TWO PACED PITCH”

McCullum unveils:

“I like what Labour did on full-expensing. Go big mentality. I love it. If you reinvest, then you don’t pay tax.”

But it didn’t go far enough. Why only companies? Why only new stuff.”

Stokes: “And then that 2025 budget. Reduced writing down allowances for everything else. Not committing to the process.”

McCullum: “Indeed. So, let’s go tax relief on all reinvestment into the business. Regardless of whether you’re a company or a sole trader.”

Stokes:
“Let’s make economic aggression pay.”

…

WEALTH TAX: “LONG HANDLE V FARMYARD HEN”

Stokes circles a flipchart labelled WEALTH TAX OPTIONS.

McCullum:
“If you’re prepared to give it some long handle – risk, innovation, ambition – you should keep your wealth.”

Stokes:
“But if you’re scratching around at the crease like a farmyard hen… like the Aussies in that first innings in Perth…”

McCullum bursts out laughing:
“No intent. No shots. No ambition.”

Stokes:
“They’re the ones who should cop a wealth tax.”

McCullum summarises:
“Use it to grow the economy. Reward.
Sit on it doing nothing. Tax.”

EXIT TAX: “PACKING IN THE PUNTERS”

A cautious aide tiptoes forward.

Aide:
“Chancellors… should we consider an exit tax to prevent capital flight?”

Stokes rolls his eyes.

Stokes:
“We’re not running a prison XI here.”

McCullum:
“Our job is to make the economy so exciting that people queue to get in here… not out”

Stokes:
“It’s all about packing in the punters.”

Aide:
“So… no exit tax?”

McCullum:
“Not when we’re building the biggest show in this economic town.”

TRUSS & KWARTENG WARNING

Another nervous aide raises a hand.

Aide:
“Um… this is all sounding a bit… well… Truss and Kwarteng?”

Stokes and McCullum turn slowly.

McCullum (soft, dangerous):
“Exactly.”

Aide panics.
“But didn’t they… err… crash the economy?”

McCullum:
“Tell her, Ben.”

Stokes steps forward:
“They. Didn’t. Trust. The. Process.”

McCullum slams the desk:
“Bang on! They played half Bazball, half Boycott. Worst of both worlds. They failed because they didn’t go big enough!”

Stokes:
“We’re finishing their innings properly.”

…

THE OBR SUMMONS

Civil servant:
“The OBR wants a technical briefing.”

McCullum:
“Tell them to expect the unexpected.”

Stokes:
“And tell them we’re not forecasting – we’re manifesting.”

Civil servant blinks. “You’re manifesting economic growth?”

Stokes:
“Exactly. You’re starting to get it”

…

COMMUNICATIONS PLAN

Stokes: “How do we take the British taxpaying public with us?”

Baz:
“Chancellors always say boring stuff like ‘the OBR expects moderate growth’. Nah. We say…”

Stokes (practising at the mirror):
“…the economy is going to come out swinging… and we back every Brit to hit top bins.”

Baz:
“That’s the one.”

….

Stokes:
“So, what’s our deficit strategy?”

Baz:
“Score quicker than it grows. Who cares if you’re losing wickets if you’re rattling along at 5.5 runs per over. Keep the Treasury game moving.”

Stokes:
“And inflation?”

Baz:
“Attack it… Attack it ’til it panics. Throw it off its line and length.”

Stokes:
“And the gilt markets?”

Baz (winking):
“We respect them… but we’re not scared of them.”

Stokes:
“Good. Because we’re not here to survive. We’re here to change how the Treasury game is played.”

Baz: “The economy’s been dead-batting things for years. Time to dispense with the high elbow and let it free it’s arms.”

…

 

PRESS CONFERENCE REHEARSAL

Stokes (into mirror):
“We’re not here to survive the economic cycle – we’re here to redefine it.”

McCullum:
“This is high-tempo macroeconomic policy.”

Stokes:
“We back growth. We back Britain. And if the markets don’t like it… well, we say, the markets didn’t like our chances at Headingly either… And look what happened.”

McCullum:
“Britain. Trust the process.”

They fist-bump.

McCullum / Stokes (simultaneously): “Zak, you’re up!”

…