Weekend at Bernie’s Farm – Act Two
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PROLOGUE
Ok, I found something on the tram this morning…
Looks like someone’s movie pitch.
Yes, I agree we should share it so we can reunite it with the (clearly, very talented) writer.
It’s called Weekend at Bernie’s Farm.
ACT ONE
Tax date 10 April 2026. An unspecified location in the Home Counties.
Two young heirs Larry and Richard [he’s just taken the names from the 80s film] go up to help their estranged but rich uncle, Bernie.
He is an ex-TV star now running a farm, pub and associated TV programme. [I guess Weekend at Jeremy’s Farm doesn’t ‘ping’ quite so much.]
They didn’t really know him well. But, like true Gen Z’s, had always held out hope they would inherit, whilst they worked on their YouTube channels. Larry had hoped to open an artisan gin distillery on the land and document the development on that very channel.
Uncle Bernie had asked them to come and help with a barn dance he was holding and the weekly farmers market he attended (his usual help was not available for reasons that remain unimportant).
Notably, on their way to the farm, they ask the direction of an impressively barnet-ed, and familiar, woman in a suit. She has a HBOS badge saying, Rachel from Mortgages. She points them in the right direction and scurries off.
When they arrive Uncle Bernie is fast asleep in his armchair. He is surrounded by HBOS mortgage application forms.
The boys tidy them up.
Well, they think he is ‘asleep’.
Of course, you’ve probably guessed it, Uncle Bernie is stone, cold dead.
Unbeknownst to them, Agent Reeves from a mysterious taskforce, has already paid Bernie a visit. Yes, the stranger who gave them directions was none other than Agent Reeves, cunningly disguised. But more of this later.
It takes them a while to realise but, after a comedically sufficient amount of time and some slapstick gags with a corpse, it suddenly dawns on them.
Momentarily, Larry and Richard think they’re quids in.
YouTube Premium here we come!
But on the table is an article about the seismic IHT changes for farming and other businesses.
Introduced just last week (for we are in the dystopian future known as the UK in April 2026).
What rotten luck.
[This is where our writer leans quite heavily on the film adaption of Michael Lewis’ Big Short. I sincerely hope everyone has watched Big Short. A superb film. If you haven’t, you’ve gone way down in my estimation.
In other words, our writer likes to use the ‘cut away’ to a big star, in improbable surroundings, describing complex matters, in an overly simplistic manner. If anything, not understanding the dumbed down version makes you feel even dafter.
Indeed, his notes say that “Rather than ‘Here’s, Margot Robbie in a bath…” we will have “Here’s Sir David Attenborough in a hot air balloon…]
…
SIR DAVID ATTENBOROUGH CUTAWAY: A CHAINSAW IN THE CANOPY
Dawn light over a rainforest. A hot air balloon drifts just above the emerald canopy; mist curls between towering emergent trees.
Soft forest ambience. Birds, insects, distant howler monkeys. Gentle hiss of the hot air balloons burny thing.
ATTENBOROUGH (whisper, awed):
“Beautiful ecosystem. The thick canopy – home to birds, primates, and a million tiny miraculous engineers.”
CUT – EMERGENT TREES PUNCHING ABOVE CANOPY
“These giants soar above, each supporting a world of its own… (leans to one side, sotto voce) Is that true – its own ecosystem? …Ah. Good.” [glances back to camera with a small smile]
ATTENBOROUGH (back to camera):
“And this is what farms and businesses used to be like in the UK. Magnificent, miraculous beasts soaring above the canopy.
Deep and sturdy routes, developed over generations, allowing the top most tips to twist and turn towards the sun.
Not fettered by IHT on death or on transfers in lifetime due to Agricultural Property Relief (“APR”) and / or Business Property Relief (“BPR”).”
PUSH IN – GRAPHIC OVERLAY APPEARS: a glowing green “£1,000,000 canopy line” skims the treetops.
“But, this ecosystem in under threat. It has been disrupted by an invasive parasite. The Labour Government.
We should think as APR and BPR as a canopy too.
Up to this line – £1 million of qualifying assets – relief is complete: 100%.”
TILT UP — TALL TREE ABOVE THE LINE
“But for any business that begins to soar above this canopy?
Well, they still benefit – but only to the tune of 50% relief on the excess above the line.”
ATTENBOROUGH PRODUCES AN OVERSIZED, CHAINSAW
Bzzzzt. He leans over and trims the top half of a tall emergent tree graphic.
The cut top tumbles in exaggerated slo‑mo; a silvery marmoset clings on.
ATTENBOROUGH (wincing):
“Is that monkey going to be… alright?”
RESEARCHER (off, deadpan):
“I’m sure it will, Sir.”
ATTENBOROUGH (relieved, to camera):
“Nature adapts. And so must your succession plans.”
—
It suddenly dawns on them that they will lose a significant amount of the value of their inheritance.
But… suddenly the hope of salvation hits them in the face… and provides the necessary fuel for the forthcoming cinematic farce.
Next to the newspaper article is a flyer from Reform UK that promises to reverse the Family Farm Tax.
Praise be to Nigel Farage!
The boys do a quick calculation.
If they can manage to pretend that Uncle Bernie is alive until…
…Reform are elected in 2029…
… New Chancellor Lee “30p” Anderson presents their emergency budget…
… then problem solved.
“Why don’t we just pretend he didn’t die… just for a bit” proposes Richard
Of course, the bit in this case, rather than being an extended weekend in the Hamptons, is likely to be at least three years [remember, this is April 2026 for those doubting my maths].
“He’d want this… he’d really, really want this…”
…
Tune in to Act Two where we meet Agent Reeves – head of the Treasury’s murky new enforcement team. A barn dance turns violent, there’s a vegetable-based assassination attempt and Professor Brian Cox’s gives us his cosmic take on trusts and IHT.
